March 9, 2010 

My daughter recently asked me if I would come speak to a group of coworkers about how to create a safe environment and identify safe relationships. I said yes; but when I sat down to put the concepts to paper I was a bit baffled. I really wasn't sure exactly what my associates and I had done over the years to make our ministry environment “A Safe Place to Heal”; it just kind of happened naturally. So I turned to my bookcase and pulled out a copy of Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend (Zondervan, 1995). In it I found some descriptions of "safe people" and "safe relationships" and was pleasantly surprised to discover that the very qualities they listed were the exact ones we have been employing. It was wonderfully affirming and provided an excellent outline for my little talk. As often happens, the Lord had me use what I had been working on (that outline) in ministry sessions this week. I shared it with two different couples and, using it as a tool, we were able to expose areas they could work on together to make their relationships more safe (and hence more open, effective and loving). Figured I would just pass on some of that outline to y'all this week, so here goes:

First, let’s address a misconception: the church on earth, and the Christians who comprise it, are not all safe; some are, some definitely are not.

1. The church made up of Christians/people at many stages of maturity and faith (parable of the sower, Matthew 13:19-23)

2. The church actually has people who are of the enemy in it (parable of the wheat and weeds, Matthew 13:24-30)

3. Even Jesus did not entrust himself to all men (because He was a really smart man) (John 2:24)

A safe relationship should do three things: (asking if these are true is an excellent way to periodically evaluate a relationship)

1.  Draw us closer to God (Matthew 22:37-38)

2.  Draw us closer to others (Matthew 22:38)

3.  Help us become the real person God created us to be (Ephesians 2:10)

Possible qualities of a safe relationship:

1. Acceptance (of who you are) and grace (for those behaviors that are less than healthy)

2. Mutual struggles (although they do not have to be the same ones; just an awareness that everyone has struggles)

3. Loving confrontation (all relationships need confrontation; the key is to make them loving; address the behavior, not demean the person)

4. Both parties need other support systems as well to avoid toxic dependency on one another (co-dependency is not really safe)

5. Familiarity with the growth process in which both parties are invested (avoid the blind leading the blind; agree on a strategy for growth)

6. Level ground (nobody is better than anybody else; the ground at the foot of the cross is level; we all put Him there)

7. Ideally, both parties in a relationship with God

8. Honesty and reality instead of "over spiritualizing" (saying "Just trust Jesus" instead of really listening to the other person)

9. An absence of controlling behavior

Looking for a meaningful and safe relationship? Look for (and personally have) these qualities. Already in relationships with people? Make them the best they can be by embracing and growing in these principles. The more you do, the more you will become like Jesus, the ultimately safe person.