“There is simply no passion in our marriage. How can I find passion for my spouse again?”
This is a question I have been asked a number of times in the last months and there is not a single, simple answer. Sometimes it can be as straightforward as intentionally changing routines, getting out of the humdrum of daily life and having some fun times together as a couple. For others it may be a medical issue that can be resolved with a visit to the doctor (for example, a thyroid that is not producing enough hormones will look and feel like depression and rob a person of passion for any aspect of life). But for some of the individuals in my office the loss of passion for their spouse was directly related to how they manage pain related to their spouse.
Passion and pain are inseparable. The ability to experience passion requires a willingness to also experience pain. (All we need to do to see this principle in action is look at the life of Jesus Christ. His deep and extraordinary love for people, including you and me, required him to experience unimaginable pain…a choice He willingly made). Conversely, the choice to deny or bury pain invariably also buries the passion.
One woman was as forthright as to tell me that, in her mind, her husband was dead and buried. He was like a dead body to her. But why did she make this kind of decision? Because there had been years of hurtful words and actions for which there seemed to be no resolution and the constant pain was too much to take…it seemed to her that the only solution was to “bury him.” So she did and it seemed to work; dead people cannot hurt you and she felt no pain from a dead man. But neither could she feel any passion for him. It had been buried with the pain.
So she asked me, “How do I find passion for my husband?” I suggested that she “resurrect” him. She protested, reminding me that a choice like that would also bring back the pain. I did not deny that but went on to explain to her that the pain could be resolved and removed with the truths of Jesus Christ. However, buried pain can never be healed. If she would be willing to unbury it and bring it to Jesus, she would undoubtedly discover the flame of passion beginning to spark again in her life.
Sadly, this was not a choice she was willing to make…and she and her marriage (for as long as it lasts) will suffer the consequences of that choice. Thankfully, there have been others in similar circumstances who have made the better decision and given hope to their marriages.
The principle is not unique to marriage. Buried and unresolved pain in any relationship, even that with our Lord Jesus, will rob us of the incredible passion that can be experienced in those relationships. I hope this a week when you experience great passion!